Grateful #29 - cleaning

I was a very messy kid.  My mom and dad had to check under my bed and in various drawers for the things they told me to put away; I tried to stuff them in places to hide them.   If you ask any of the people I’ve lived with over the past 13 years, you would hear a lot of the same things.  My poor roommates - they had to endure endless piles of jeans, tshirts, shoes, jackets, sweaters, and sweatshirts floating from my room down the hall because I had an inability to hang up my clothes after one (or several) bouts with hating everything I tried on.  They’d tell you that I have a lot of clutter, that I leave empty boxes of things in the pantry, that there’s toothpaste in the sink.  At some point, probably when I lived alone for the first time a few years ago, I realized that messiness actually didn’t need to define me.  I got tired of being messy, and honestly, I thought it was kind of gross.  I am meticulous about my kitchen now; I can’t stand dirty dishes, crumbs on my counters, or clutter taking up space.  My biggest improvement is that I hang up my clothes as soon as I take them off.  I walk in my closet every morning and I have a million unwrinkled, pretty things to choose from -  (some may fight me on the pretty part, my style may still need some work).

This weekend, I did one of those deep cleanings – vacuum, windex, mop, dust, laundry. I also took my dog to the groomers – she needed a haircut desperately.  When I got her back, she was so fresh, clean and happy.   I could tell she felt so much better,  she even slept happier.  Her clean start in my clean house made it that much better.  I am grateful for how a little cleaning on the outside can also clean up your attitude and make everything feel shiny and new.     

Grateful #28 - Tallness

One of my students is 6 feet 7 inches tall – he’s a very big guy.  He’ll never sneak up on anyone; I can almost see him coming down the hall from a different floor.  The great thing about this kid is that he has never once uses his height or stature to intimidate anyone.  He’s kind to the people that pay attention to him, and he’s kind of friendly to those who don’t.  Most people don’t get to know him all that well, but he’s actually a really cool kid – he’s smart and he’s got a good sense of humor.  He is also really talented in graphic design.  I know this because instead of doing his homework, he is busy making really intricate images and graphics on the computer.  The other great thing about this kid is that even though you think he's not really paying attention to you, he actually is.  He knew the teachers were getting new laptops today, so he sent me an email with the image he made (above )and said he wanted me to have a new background for my new computer.  Coffee with a heart and an acoustic guitar – clearly the kid pays attention to me.  And though he’ll never sneak up on anyone, he definitely snuck up on me today as someone I am grateful for having in my life. 

Grateful # 27 - Photosynthesis. Kind of.

I started this project to make myself more aware that beauty can sometimes be hidden in drawers, lurking behind walls, tucked under the stacks of papers piling up on the coffee table, running across the street, or even staring us in the face without us even knowing it.  I started it so that I would be more conscious of the way people can affect each other.  I started it to prove that things are more than just things; we can draw meaning from anything if we want or need to. 

When I started this, I had grandiose plans of sitting down every night and writing about something that I was grateful for, uploading a picture, and sharing it with the world!  It started off that way, and then as life pushed forward and I found myself flailing behind, barley holding onto it by a rope, I realized that it may not be as easy as I thought.  I wish you, the reader, knew how often I throw ideas around in my head about what I am grateful for; though lately they mostly stay inside my head and never make it out into the air, they are always there.  Hundreds of them.  So in essence, I am still fulfilling my own end of the project, I am just lacking in the follow through of sharing them.  It’s not really even that I don’t have time, though that’s kind of the go to phrase these days.  Everyone loves to throw around the good ole, "Man, I am SO busy!"  Yes, everyone is busy.  Everyone is seemingly important.  But I think my biggest roadblock is thinking that I need to be eloquent and prophetic when I write.  Instead of simply stating that I am grateful for 80-degree weather today during tennis practice, I think I need to write some highly intellectual version that likens photosynthesis to way my mouth converts into a smile when bathed in sunlight.  The little language nuances I love are the very thing that stops me from writing sometimes.  If I am grateful for being in the sun during tennis practice, instead of the 30 degrees we’ve been practicing in, I should be able to say that without worrying about how short it is, how intelligent sounding it is, how well written it is.  I should just say it.

Photosynthesis and energy blah blah blah.  I am grateful for how warm it was today. 

Grateful # 26 - nothing

I actively decided that I wasn’t grateful for anything today.   I would find no light peaking out from under some papers, no source of inspiration dancing across my field of vision, no hidden meanings hiding out.   There would be none of that today. 

It was a lousy day.  I almost didn’t want anything to make me feel grateful because I  wouldn’t even know what to do with it.  Negative Nancy stole my clothes and my car and drove to work.  I hated everyone.  I hated everything.  I was mad.  I was sad.  I was just not feeling it at all. 

And then it came to me a few minutes ago.  Im grateful for not being grateful for anything today.  By really allowing myself NOT to see anything positive or anything happy, I was able to really get to the core of what was bothering me in the first place.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for pulling yourself out of those bad moods and turning it around, but those Band-Aid approaches don’t fix things; they patch it for a minute and heal awkwardly.  They end up being sore for a while.   Bathing in whatever it is that gets us upset, makes us sad, gets us frustrated, points out our inadequacies, unearths our demons – is cleansing.  Because once it’s out of our systems, once we make ourselves deal with ourselves, we can start seeing positive things again authentically. 

 It’s been a hell of a day.  And I felt every single minute of it.  And now I can put that to bed.  and me, too.

Grateful #longoverdue: family, friends, big things, and little things

It’s been a minute since I’ve written; I went to Pennsylvania to visit my family and then immediately jumped right back into work and coaching and I haven’t had time to sit down and write the way I like to write.  I tried a few times, but I struggled with it so much, that I almost didn’t write anything about my trip at all.  And then I realized why I was having such a hard time.  I tend to see little tiny things in very big meaningful ways.  When I’m grateful, it’s usually a small moment that made me think big.   Being home only a few times a year, makes going home a big thing.  Meeting my niece for the first time is big thing.  Playing tennis with my brother for the first time since I was in the 8^th grade is a big thing.  I dont know how to express gratitude for just one big thing without breaking it down into a million little things, all of which could be their own entry into my grateful blog.  

It’s making me unable to write.  And I need to write.  So in order to get the ball rolling again, I decided to skip that one for  minute and write about something else.

Again, tonight, I was in the company of someone I completely adore.  This time, it was my oldest and dearest friend.  I had a very long, draining week.  For whatever reason, by the time I got home from teaching Saturday school and running errands, the very thought of having my friend over and engaging socially was too much;  I was all prepared to tell her that I was too tired and worn out to have company.  I actually did tell her that, but she very quickly replied, “Im coming.  You can’t back out.  Love you” 

I’m grateful for people who know me well enough to know what I need before I do, even when it goes against what I think I need.  At 4 or 34, I am so lucky to have a friend who I can say anything to, do anything with, and be anything I want to be and she’ll love me for it.  Not love me despite it.   And she’ll wear the flowery barrettes so that I don’t have to wear them.

Cleansing/Repairing the Soul

Sometimes, I just need to cleanse myself. I am grateful for the tools that I have amassed to accomplish this "cleanse."

We all face difficulties, unpleasant experiences, traumas and sometimes the only way to lift up your soul, and step away from the deep dark hole that your soul sought refuge in, is to cleanse it.  

It is no secret that my posts harbor a negative side to them, but drizzled with the hopes of possibility and positivity.  I was operating in what I call “survival mode” – until now.

I am more optimistic about the future and as a result, my soul can step out of the cellar it was hiding in that shielded it from the passing tornado.  That cellar was dark, damp, and well, dirty.  My soul needs to be cleansed.

I wish I could say that my recent trauma was the first I’ve experienced in my life.  It wasn’t.  Here are the steps that I usually use to emerge from the darkness.

First step is a nice, long, hot shower.  Well, several nice long, hot showers.    

Second, eliminate the tense muscles and stress.  I usually opt for a massage. But, it could be any stress reliever - exercise, dancing around your living room to great music, anything.

Third, do something for myself, to feed my soul.  I write.  I wrote.  I am writing now about writing.

Fourth, pay mind to the food that I ingest and clean up my diet.  When my soul is in hiding, my mind and intestinal desires wander.  I tend to care less what I eat and whether or not it’s healthy.

Fifth, do something, anything, to make someone else happy.  This one requires some more thought.  But, helping someone else can easily help to repair your own soul. 

Last, when you are faced with difficulty, your mind tends to wander and it settles on the “what ifs” and “why’s.”  For me, the most important step in my healing process is to ground myself in each moment.  Be present.  Live in the now.

Life happens only once.  Don’t spend it in a dark, damp cellar pondering how you can change things.  

Normalcy and Routines

I am grateful for normalcy and routine.  How often in my lifetime have I sat around thinking "I'm bored.  Whatever shall I do?"  Never again.  I was reminded in the last few weeks of the adage "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."  So true.  So true, indeed.

I have been stuck in my house for a long time, without the ability to leave and without a routine.  I stared at the clock watching the hours go by, as if they meant something.  They used to.  7 AM was "wake up" time.  8 AM was breakfast.  11 AM was nap time.  1 PM was wake up time.  1:30 PM was lunch, 3:30 PM was snack time, 5:30 PM was dinner time, 6 PM was bath time, and finally (and blissfully) 7 PM was the young-in's bed time!  The rest of the night was for the adults.  Well, the schedule and the resulting sense of normalcy has been thrown out the window the last few weeks.

We were dealing with extreme pain, sleepless nights, surgery, hospital time, a stomach bug and just really struggling to find our groove.  There really was no groove to find.  We were in survival mode.  It's only when you enter survival mode that you realize how comforting normalcy and routines can be.  I will never, ever take them for granted again.

Grateful #24 - nothing but time

While drinking copious amounts of coffee and stumbling on new DIY and

Pintrest-esq websites, I decided that being grateful for a specific thing was futile. I literally haven't left the house in 24 hours; the ice storm has rendered all of us stationary.  And while I couldn’t leave  or go to work, or do anything at all really, I did get to just sit in my pajamas all day, take a shower, and then put on different pajamas.  On a school day.   

It’s nothing deep or meaningful today – but I am grateful for unexpected (well I knew we didn’t have work today, but you get my point) me time.  The deep and meaningful things all went through my mind, but rather than detail the inner workings of my brain, I am just grateful for the time I had to actually have the time to think about whatever I wanted to think about, without feeling  guilty or like I should be doing something else.

Grateful #23 - the secret stories in our possessions

When my grandmother passed away, my mom gave me a few things that belonged to her.  One was a a fancy tissue case, which is resting on a framed picture of me and my grandmother, and the other was a Totes reusable shopping bag.  It zips and folds into a little pouch, and for months, it stayed all zipped up - I never used it.  One day, I decided to take it out and add it to my collection of kroger, trader joes, and wegman's shopping bags.  As soon as I unzipped it, I was overwhelmed, and literally knocked backwards by the smell of Channel perfume - my grandmother's very distinct  smell.  I didn't even have time to process why, but tears just came streaming out of my eyes; it was like she was right in front of me.  Now, I use this bag every time I go to the store.    I love this bag - it reminds me of how much of a bad-ass my grandmother was in general, but the fact that she was going all green by not using plastic bags at the grocery store before it was even a thing to do, makes me love her even more.

I am grateful for how many secret stories we have in our possessions.  No one knows that I think of my grandmother every time I go grocery shopping.  I bet I've passed someone in the aisles who is adding up his grocery bill with a pen that someone special gave him.  I'm sure I've been in line behind someone who is reminded of the first vacation she went on with her boyfriend or girlfriend as the little souvenir charm on her key chain dangles next to her supermarket savings card.  I'm sure we all have things that seem so commonplace to everyone.  Except to us. 

Grateful #22 - tiny gifts in the mail

Walking up to my front door, I saw the corner of a package on the doormat.  My first thought: Did I order something?  No, I have been so good about not ordering anything online since the "add to cart" catastrophe of Christmas 2013.  My second thought: no really, did i order something from the GAP by accident when I was browsing the cute, new spring trends?

And then I looked down and saw the unfamiliar colored packaging; I had no clue why my name was on this package, but all of a sudden I got so excited!  What IS it?? Did someone send me something in the mail??  I saw the Official Princeton University Store logo and then I remembered: my friend who works for a school in Princeton said she was going to send me a shirt.  I tore the package open; not being someone who celebrates christmas, i don't have the cliche "like a kid on christmas morning" metaphor to liken it to, but glee and mirth were definitely happening. 

I am grateful for the act of gift giving - not obligatory gift giving on holidays or birthdays, but the random, out of the blue, because I think you'd like this gift giving.  I didn't need a new shirt; I have a million shirts.   After I opened it, though, I decided I did need a new shirt.   I needed the idea of it, at least.  It solidified my notion that the people who do tiny, selfless, things for others, are the people who do the biggest things. 

Grateful #21 - Coffee (but not how you think)

Coffee is a very obvious choice as to something I am grateful for, but I hadn’t written it about yet because I figured it was too obvious.   I mean it’s no secret that I have a very big love affair with coffee, but that does not make for a very good grateful blog post.  Until someone gave me this sign in the picture, I hadn’t thought of a good angle.  Here’s the new angle:  I get gifts from students, friends, and parents that are all usually coffee related.  Bags of coffee, coffee cups (both ceramic and travel), gift cards to coffee shops, coffee themed magnets, coffee jewelry (I wear a coffee bean necklace my mom gave me), and if you go to my favorite coffee shop and ask for a "Blair," they'll give you a coffee with a ridiculous amount of sugar-free vanilla syrup swimming at the bottom.   Clearly, I have a thing that I am known for loving excessively. I guess it made me realize that when I love something, I love it passionately and out loud and with a demand for attention.  Today, I am grateful for coffee because it reminded me that loving intensely is something I will never mind being known for. 

Grateful #20 - other people's cool hobbies.

Nitro and electric remote control car driving from the parking lot of the Civic Center in downtown Atlanta.  It's pretty much awesome. 

My friend shared one of her hobbies with me today, which in itself is something I am grateful for - my hobbies are not very shareable like that.  I can't write with people, and I can't play tennis with friends if they don't know how to play well.  But driving remote control cars - that is something that anyone can do together. 

I love learning new things - most of the time new knowledge comes from things I've read or things I've heard.  Being a kinesthetic learner, however, makes learning certain things much easier for me - like being able to use the remote control to feel how the cars pick up speed, traction, take turns, and skid out.  I was able to determine at what point I needed to start turning in order to not flip the car, and I was able to get the other car free from the staircase by driving mine at it to knock it loose.  I learned all of those things today.  I did listen to my friend tell me about how the engine works and how the temperature has to stay somewhere near 180 degrees, but that stuff doesn't really make sense to me as much - I learn better and more thoroughly by actually doing something.  I am grateful for being able to learn something completely new - not from a book, a newscast, a story online, a youtube video, or from someone telling me.  I learned how to do something new today by actually doing it. 

Grateful #19 - jeans and sneakers

Clothing definitely affects mood.  When you put on that outfit that makes you feel attractive, pretty, handsome, skinny -  you tend to feel better about your life that day.  For some reason, when you think you look good, you perform better at work, you interact with people better; you just do better.   When we have big meetings, interviews, or important social functions, we dress to impress - not just others, but we dress to impress ourselves, so that in turn, we impress others. 

Today, I did not let clothing dictate my mood, but instead, I let my mood take precedent over my need to impress.   I just wanted to be warm and comfy, it was that simple.  So I threw on jeans, sneakers, and a hoodie.  I am not trying to impress, turn heads, or feel powerful.  I am just reveling in comfort.  Today, I am grateful for the times I can detach from the societal pressures of needing to look good in order to feel good, and just simply be me.  And still feel good.    

Grateful #18 - Decisions

Not me in this picture, fyi.  I couldn't decide what to take a picture of. 
They say that the average classroom teacher will make 1,500 educational decisions in one school day.  That does not include non-educational decisions like, "can i get away with throwing myself out of this window, faking (or not faking) injury, and going to the hospital if these kids do not get quiet?" (I'm kidding, I only thought that once).  Or,  "Should I say something to that kid about standing up for herself and being proud of her accomplishments instead of apologizing for them?"  The point is that during a given school day, it's nearly impossible not to think about something or someone else, not to have to decide something, not to have to make a split second choice - something even as little as "which kid should I call on?"  It makes going home and deciding what to make myself for dinner, almost too difficult. 

But when you do start to make dinner and an email comes in from an athlete's parent that ends with, "thanks for all you're doing for my daughter, she really takes your advice to heart" - somehow it makes everything quiet.  It's not the praise or acknowledgement that make it so meaningful.  It's that she definitely didn't need to say a word, but she made a decision to thank me.    I didn't have to make any decisions; I was the decision.  I am grateful for people who make decisions to make someone else feel special.  It's so small.  And it's so big. 

What am I grateful for?

What am I grateful for?  Today this just seems like an unanswerable question.  There seems to be more days like this than ever.  But, just because life slaps you one hundred times, from every direction, a la Hecatonchires, making your head spin around incessantly, doesn’t mean that you have to succumb to negativity. Perhaps while your head is spinning around you just sort of "check out" and go along for the ride.

Today, I am neutral. 

(He's a pretty bad ass warrior)

Today, although I am having a tough time pinpointing one particular thing to be grateful for, I do recognize the bigger picture – I have a beautiful family consisting of a loving and supportive husband and a son whose smile is “to die for.”  I have awesome parents, siblings and friends (wow, a shout out yesterday AND today!).  I have a home.  I have most of my desires fulfilled.  I have more than the average person probably.  I just have that one kink - my son's health. 

Seemingly Endless Support

This post is a tribute to those people who have really been there for us.  I am eternally grateful (and wrote this blog post to prove it!). 

To my husband: Thank you for your endless love, support and patience.  Though you cannot be here every day with us, I know we are always on your mind.

To my parents:  Thank you for dropping everything, including work, to stay with us and care for us during a difficult time, twice.  It was very comforting to not be alone in those low times.

To my friends:  I really needed that night out.  Thank you.  Many of you have endeavored to help fulfill all of DJ’s needs, tried to cheer him up with gifts, though unnecessary, and that is/was really heartwarming. Thank you for your ear(s).

To the blog supporters:  Your comments inspire me to continue on this journey of written word.  Please keep commenting.  I read and cherish every comment.  If you have not commented, please do – it gives me strength.

To everyone else:  Thank you for being patient with me.  J  That one was a long time coming…