Grateful #31 - The stars

The Sunday night blues sink in right after dinner.  The weekend is officially over; relaxation will be non-existent in about 12 hours.  I sit here with my laptop and some file folders and my calendar, shuffling each one around enough to make it seem like progress is happening.  But it’s not.  I looked up at the tv and there were stars all over the screen.  Fox was airing a show called, "Cosmos." 

There are a few things in this world that will literally take my breath away every single time.  I do not mean the rare, special, romantic, emotional, or extreme moments – those are a different kind of breathtaking.  I am talking about something that occurs fairly regularly, that despite it’s normalcy, still takes your breath away.  Every time.  One of those things is looking up at a star-filled sky.  I grew up in town that hosted brilliant constellations every night.   My trips to the planetarium as an elementary school kid brought the stars even closer to me.  As soon as Mr. Danner turned off the lights and put the stars on the ceiling, I was mesmerized.  (sidebar: just thinking about that while I’m writing – i remember how the room smelled, what his voice sounded like, how the plastic chairs felt when I leaned my head back as far as it could go…)  My eyes couldn’t take it all in fast enough and I was swirling about the room, (which I could have sworn was really moving) grabbing onto Orion’s belt while sliding down the big dipper.   As an adult, I have found myself in the magazine section of Barnes and Noble tracing the cover of Astronomy Magazine without even knowing why.   A few years ago, I lived near a church that had an outdoor spiral staircase that led to terrace on top of the building– there was one bench with a perfect view of the sky.   I sat there for hours some nights, simply getting sucked in by the gravitation pull of outer space. 

I am grateful for the way the stars in the sky is one place where getting lost is actually how you get found.    

Grateful #30 - not flying under the radar

For the first 18 (and depending on how far we go in school, 22-25) years of our lives, we get accustomed to hearing parents, teachers, and professors shout our praises when we do things well.  And though we learn how to be proud of ourselves without needing recognition from others, that extrinsic reward somehow means more.  For me, it’s never been about the money or the grade as much as it’s been about being able to hear someone I respect or admire tell me I’ve done well or think that I’m smart and creative. 

There’s a point, however, when we enter the workplace, when this constant feedback stops being constant.  We go through our daily grind, work our hardest, solve problems, put out fires, reconcile differences in people or numbers,  pack up and go home.   This is not to say that we don’t witness the value of our work from student achievement, client retention, or increased sales.   However, the acknowledgements from our bosses and colleagues are not as common anymore; they shout, “see you tomorrow!” or “have a good weekend!”  but those reaffirming praises we used to hear all the time have long since stopped.  As the years of being in the work force add up, we get used to it - we forget how good it made us feel when people stopped to notice our efforts. 

Perhaps that’s why I am writing this today –I had a significant moment that I wanted to relish in for a while.  When a colleague noticed my efforts AND said something about it – it was like I was given an A+ gold star, put on a float, and paraded around the room in all my glory.

Simple praise.  Literally the words were:  “You did a really good job.”  That’s all it took.  Adults are very quick to praise children, but we need to praise our peers, too.  I’m all for intrinsic motivation and having self-confidence on my own accord – but I don’t know anybody who wouldn’t want to hear that he or she is doing a good job.  It’s not the same as saying thank you – that’s kind, too, but that’s someone needing something and being thankful they got it from you.  The kind of praise I’m talking about is different.  It’s from someone who knows your job, does similar things that you do, and instead of thinking about him or herself, someone is taking the time to honor you.  The job YOU did.

I am grateful for not flying under the radar today.  And for the person who happened to look up and see me flying. 

Newfound Freedom

So, I decided not to hold myself accountable for this most recent bout of absenteeism.  I am entitled, I think.  But, I do feel particularly grateful for a few things today.  So, I’ve decided to share.

First, and this is a huge one, my son is medically stable.  His surgery was successful and his port is operational.  He is well.  I am able to administer medication (though with a lot of struggle and resistance) to him and, therefore, he is not in pain.  Score.

Second, as a direct result of this newfound freedom from seemingly crisis after crisis, and due to my ability to be (semi) self-reliant in the administration of his medication, we have been cleared for travel.

In two (2) days, for the first time since my son was born, we are going on a vacation. For those of you reading this and plotting a break in, my parents will be staying at our home.  Don’t even think about it.

I find it befitting that our first vacation will be to the Hemophilia Federation of America’s Annual Symposium (a big thanks to “you know who you are”), this year featuring an entire day devoted to the topic of the allergy my son has.  It was meant to be.  Our first vacation and my son is stable. Oh, it’s a fine time, indeed. 

NOTE:  Do not mock the art. It is a rare classic piece that is copyrighted.  It will sell for millions.  Just wait. Wait for it.....

Grateful #29 - cleaning

I was a very messy kid.  My mom and dad had to check under my bed and in various drawers for the things they told me to put away; I tried to stuff them in places to hide them.   If you ask any of the people I’ve lived with over the past 13 years, you would hear a lot of the same things.  My poor roommates - they had to endure endless piles of jeans, tshirts, shoes, jackets, sweaters, and sweatshirts floating from my room down the hall because I had an inability to hang up my clothes after one (or several) bouts with hating everything I tried on.  They’d tell you that I have a lot of clutter, that I leave empty boxes of things in the pantry, that there’s toothpaste in the sink.  At some point, probably when I lived alone for the first time a few years ago, I realized that messiness actually didn’t need to define me.  I got tired of being messy, and honestly, I thought it was kind of gross.  I am meticulous about my kitchen now; I can’t stand dirty dishes, crumbs on my counters, or clutter taking up space.  My biggest improvement is that I hang up my clothes as soon as I take them off.  I walk in my closet every morning and I have a million unwrinkled, pretty things to choose from -  (some may fight me on the pretty part, my style may still need some work).

This weekend, I did one of those deep cleanings – vacuum, windex, mop, dust, laundry. I also took my dog to the groomers – she needed a haircut desperately.  When I got her back, she was so fresh, clean and happy.   I could tell she felt so much better,  she even slept happier.  Her clean start in my clean house made it that much better.  I am grateful for how a little cleaning on the outside can also clean up your attitude and make everything feel shiny and new.     

Grateful #28 - Tallness

One of my students is 6 feet 7 inches tall – he’s a very big guy.  He’ll never sneak up on anyone; I can almost see him coming down the hall from a different floor.  The great thing about this kid is that he has never once uses his height or stature to intimidate anyone.  He’s kind to the people that pay attention to him, and he’s kind of friendly to those who don’t.  Most people don’t get to know him all that well, but he’s actually a really cool kid – he’s smart and he’s got a good sense of humor.  He is also really talented in graphic design.  I know this because instead of doing his homework, he is busy making really intricate images and graphics on the computer.  The other great thing about this kid is that even though you think he's not really paying attention to you, he actually is.  He knew the teachers were getting new laptops today, so he sent me an email with the image he made (above )and said he wanted me to have a new background for my new computer.  Coffee with a heart and an acoustic guitar – clearly the kid pays attention to me.  And though he’ll never sneak up on anyone, he definitely snuck up on me today as someone I am grateful for having in my life. 

Grateful # 27 - Photosynthesis. Kind of.

I started this project to make myself more aware that beauty can sometimes be hidden in drawers, lurking behind walls, tucked under the stacks of papers piling up on the coffee table, running across the street, or even staring us in the face without us even knowing it.  I started it so that I would be more conscious of the way people can affect each other.  I started it to prove that things are more than just things; we can draw meaning from anything if we want or need to. 

When I started this, I had grandiose plans of sitting down every night and writing about something that I was grateful for, uploading a picture, and sharing it with the world!  It started off that way, and then as life pushed forward and I found myself flailing behind, barley holding onto it by a rope, I realized that it may not be as easy as I thought.  I wish you, the reader, knew how often I throw ideas around in my head about what I am grateful for; though lately they mostly stay inside my head and never make it out into the air, they are always there.  Hundreds of them.  So in essence, I am still fulfilling my own end of the project, I am just lacking in the follow through of sharing them.  It’s not really even that I don’t have time, though that’s kind of the go to phrase these days.  Everyone loves to throw around the good ole, "Man, I am SO busy!"  Yes, everyone is busy.  Everyone is seemingly important.  But I think my biggest roadblock is thinking that I need to be eloquent and prophetic when I write.  Instead of simply stating that I am grateful for 80-degree weather today during tennis practice, I think I need to write some highly intellectual version that likens photosynthesis to way my mouth converts into a smile when bathed in sunlight.  The little language nuances I love are the very thing that stops me from writing sometimes.  If I am grateful for being in the sun during tennis practice, instead of the 30 degrees we’ve been practicing in, I should be able to say that without worrying about how short it is, how intelligent sounding it is, how well written it is.  I should just say it.

Photosynthesis and energy blah blah blah.  I am grateful for how warm it was today. 

Grateful # 26 - nothing

I actively decided that I wasn’t grateful for anything today.   I would find no light peaking out from under some papers, no source of inspiration dancing across my field of vision, no hidden meanings hiding out.   There would be none of that today. 

It was a lousy day.  I almost didn’t want anything to make me feel grateful because I  wouldn’t even know what to do with it.  Negative Nancy stole my clothes and my car and drove to work.  I hated everyone.  I hated everything.  I was mad.  I was sad.  I was just not feeling it at all. 

And then it came to me a few minutes ago.  Im grateful for not being grateful for anything today.  By really allowing myself NOT to see anything positive or anything happy, I was able to really get to the core of what was bothering me in the first place.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for pulling yourself out of those bad moods and turning it around, but those Band-Aid approaches don’t fix things; they patch it for a minute and heal awkwardly.  They end up being sore for a while.   Bathing in whatever it is that gets us upset, makes us sad, gets us frustrated, points out our inadequacies, unearths our demons – is cleansing.  Because once it’s out of our systems, once we make ourselves deal with ourselves, we can start seeing positive things again authentically. 

 It’s been a hell of a day.  And I felt every single minute of it.  And now I can put that to bed.  and me, too.

Grateful #longoverdue: family, friends, big things, and little things

It’s been a minute since I’ve written; I went to Pennsylvania to visit my family and then immediately jumped right back into work and coaching and I haven’t had time to sit down and write the way I like to write.  I tried a few times, but I struggled with it so much, that I almost didn’t write anything about my trip at all.  And then I realized why I was having such a hard time.  I tend to see little tiny things in very big meaningful ways.  When I’m grateful, it’s usually a small moment that made me think big.   Being home only a few times a year, makes going home a big thing.  Meeting my niece for the first time is big thing.  Playing tennis with my brother for the first time since I was in the 8^th grade is a big thing.  I dont know how to express gratitude for just one big thing without breaking it down into a million little things, all of which could be their own entry into my grateful blog.  

It’s making me unable to write.  And I need to write.  So in order to get the ball rolling again, I decided to skip that one for  minute and write about something else.

Again, tonight, I was in the company of someone I completely adore.  This time, it was my oldest and dearest friend.  I had a very long, draining week.  For whatever reason, by the time I got home from teaching Saturday school and running errands, the very thought of having my friend over and engaging socially was too much;  I was all prepared to tell her that I was too tired and worn out to have company.  I actually did tell her that, but she very quickly replied, “Im coming.  You can’t back out.  Love you” 

I’m grateful for people who know me well enough to know what I need before I do, even when it goes against what I think I need.  At 4 or 34, I am so lucky to have a friend who I can say anything to, do anything with, and be anything I want to be and she’ll love me for it.  Not love me despite it.   And she’ll wear the flowery barrettes so that I don’t have to wear them.