Grateful #41 - it's ok to say yeah

 

Desperate to write something down, I find myself turning to the people I’ve talked to in the past few days.  In any and all of those conversations,  I have had moments that stuck out and stayed with me.  In fact, I have about 5 sets of paragraphs strewn about my computer screen that never made it past the rough draft stage.  Perhaps the sun is making me lazy, but I can’t seem to finish a thought. 

The extra time built into only teaching 3 hours per day of summer school as the only form of distraction isn’t as easy breezy as one would think.   

I get caught up in my own thinking when I’m not being distracted by teenagers’ constant buzzing in classrooms, parent emails, tennis practices, planning and grading.  And so instead of purposefully setting aside time to write in my blog with whatever alone time I could muster up, I sit here with no time constraints, constrained. 

The plus side to this is that I’ve actually had time to talk on the phone or to hang out with people I generally don’t get to see very often – even my long-distance best friend commented on how often he has heard from me lately.  What’s funny is that 3 people have asked me in the last 2 days if I’m happy - my father, my long-distance best friend, and another friend.   Each time I immediately said, “yeah.”  Not, “yes,” but, “yeah.”  I over-thought about the difference, and decided that “yeah” implies that things are fine.  I am good.  I am even.  I think the word “yes” would have implied more than even.  More than good.  My answer flew under their radars, I think, which is probably better for me – I don’t have to try to discern the difference out loud.  It wasn’t until my dad asked me for the second time this week if I am dating anyone, that I began to panic a little.  Is he trying to tell me that I’m not getting any younger and that I should probably meet someone soon?  Is he trying to imply that true happiness is being with someone you love, thus bringing my “yeah” back into the spotlight for speculation?  Or is he just simply catching up on what’s going on in my life? 

Moreover, this is supposed to end in some circular fashion where I’ve pulled out a piece of gratefulness from life and assigned warm, fuzzy feelings to it.   I don’t’ think I’ve even picked out something I am grateful for yet.   I seem to be focusing on things that don’t really feel warm and fuzzy. 

But you know, maybe that’s my “yeah” talking.  And maybe it’s ok to be at just a “yeah, I’m happy.”   Gratitude doesn’t have to be something warm and fuzzy - after all, I could have responded with a "no."